Paradise Lost

My life is slowly turning into a horror movie. Every day it is the same..... eerie and chilling. I snap awake in the morning, soft shades of daylight, birds softly chirping, turn and reach for my phone/clock. Why even look..... I already know. It is 5:20.... the hour of the witching, or not, just early, really early. Anyway, it has been like this for almost two weeks now. Never 5:19, not once 5:21, always 5:20. I think it means something. I think it means I may have gas (or the wife, or the cat).
Now that we have that out of the way we can move on to the more pressing matters of the day. Like why do libidinous girls only seem to come out in the summer, and why do they dress so dirty. Not like this is a complaint or anything, but the day it goes over 70 it is like a skank convention on every street corner in the city. My wife is hot, it is over 70, she is yet to bust out the slut wear. I guess she was not born with the Summer Hoochie Gene. This is a shame. I wonder if the gene is hereditary, did it adabt through natural selection? Is this nature vs nurture, is there some inherent survivability to wearing booty shorts with juicy on the ass and a tight transparent shirt? If I ever have a daughter and she is hoe.... will my gene's be more apt to survive through the ages? (Upon rereading this, the answer became obvious.... yes, yes it is.) Only time will tell I guess.
Speaking of having a hot wife, she is out getting her hair chopped. I hope she does something sexy like a pink mohawk or a permed mullet. I doubt it, but a man can dream can't he? I wish I were dreaming. I wish I were asleep. I could use a good sleep. A good 13-14 hours of dark bliss, but alas it shall not be. I just left a job 5 miles from O'hare, came home, and get to go right back to pick up my parents. This is my exciting life and it is ending one minute at a time.
Maybe I need some thrills, maybe I just need some hot lovin. For some reason this makes me think of the good ol day's, you know the ones, about a decade before I was born. I have been watching a lot of old comedies lately (mostly for the boobs), and almost every movie has the obligatory 1970's streaking scene. I think to myself, that looks kinda fun. I honestly think it would be fun to shed it all off and book it through the Fox Valley Mall. There are many reasons this will never happen. First off, I am a smoker. I believe in order to streak, one must run over 25 feet. The thought of running such great distances makes my soul weep in fear and angst. Seeing that I can run no farther then your average geriatric, my naked capture would seem inevitable. I do not like cops, I do not like it when cops touch me, I have a feeling it would be worse in the buff, but back to the matter at hand. The main reason I would never go streaking, is I wonder what would happen to a streaker in this day and age? Is this a sex offense? Will I lose my house cause I live next to a school and I am now a registered sex offender? Do I have to go tell all my neighbors that I am a sexual predator, but no worries.... "it was a small offense but due to the nature of the case I can not tell you the specifics." I could see if one were to streak, say through the center of an elementry school during recess, okay, maybe some problems there. But the mall?? Maybe some teenagers will see, maybe even a kid, but is it really a sexual offense. Still, a sexual felony may be getting off light. Would some Mall Marshall (my made up brethren to the Sky Marshall) give me the old two to the heart one to the head out of fear when he sees the heat I am packing? Sometimes I give myself too much credit, but hey, a man can dream.
Really what is wrong with us today? What happened to the drunk and high shenannigans of my seventies and eighties B comedies. The littlest things can now send society into an uproar. I used to work for a large retailer. I worked in the garage installing car stereos. Our store had no official security, so often if there was a situation with the potential of "escalation", employees would come to us. Not like we were a bunch of baddasses (just in our minds), but because we had the hammers and the screwdrivers, ya know, just in case. So we are having our big day after Thanksgiving sale, you know the one, where you, yeah I am talking to you, you capitalist swine. Well the sale where people wait in line from midnight to five in the morning when we "blow" open our doors and take all your money for really cheap goods at even cheaper prices. Well I am in my garage loading tv's into cars when a manager flies in and tells me he needs assistance. He pulls me in the store, and over to the bathroom where he had another employee trying to rouse a man who has rolled out a mat and is kneeling on it praying. He's got another employee on a phone with 9-1 dialed just waiting for the go ahead to hit the last 1. This could possibly be one of the only times in my life where I am the one with the common sense. Sun is rising, guy has dark skin, on a mat praying. He is either about to unleash fire and death upon the infidels, or he is one of the 1.5 billion people who follows Islam and is partaking in his mandatory morning prayer. I tell the employee to leave him alone, and tell my manager everything is fine as I walk back to my install cave.
I understand that a handful of Muslim extremist attacked us, it is scary and may they all burn in the lowest pit of the most damned imagination, but must we all now live in fear?? BTW, if you have ever waited in line for one of those sales, I hate you from the deepest pits of my cold black heart.
So I am lost in rant. That probably in no way tied into my secret desires to streak the mall, but at least to me it did. I am trying not be all tree humpin liberal, but things just seem out of hand. It is like the sad tale of Genarlow Wilson. It seems our Friend Genarlow was at crazy party, and there seems to be a video tape of him getting a bj from an underage girl. Well seeing that this is a violation of the law, he gets ten years in pokie. Sounds good, commit the crime, do the time. But as it turns out our "pervert" in this story is 17 and his underage shorty is 15. Not like I would agree with anyone ever getting a bj, at a party, and on tape non the less (well ok maybe I would). This is just crazy. My grandparents were further apart in age, and I doubt that even the straightest republican could label them sodomites. It just seems to me that we as a society are so obsessed with our safety and protecting the values of the children that we lost sight of our values. The god given values, like public praying, running through the mall naked, and our unquestionable right to performing sexual acts at parties with the camera rolling. Where has my America gone?

In love and Rage and long rambling prose: Fluffy